decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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