I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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