I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
