I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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