so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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