the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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