you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
