I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
