i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
