His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
