Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
