No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
