also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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