i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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