take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I fill condoms, not promises.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
