somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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