This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
