I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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