I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
