Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
