my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
