once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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