the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
