using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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