oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
