No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
