Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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