I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
