my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
