I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
