we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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