We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
