don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
