giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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