its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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