Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
