Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
