we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
