So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
