what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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