1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
