thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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