Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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