I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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