my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
