The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
