**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
