I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
They have beer where we have blood.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
