So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
