NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
handjob tips. give me some.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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